In short…busy being a single mom. No not single in that way. The hubby works and lives out of town during the week. Having to take care of the boys alone is not easy, but I am managing. I have the best mom because she does help when I ask. Without hesitation she helps. So, I’m back, I think. I have a lot of stuff running through my head that I want to get out. For that I think I will be around here a little more.

I’ve been thinking lately that I may change things up a bit to my blog here…I’m more like a survivor of sexual abuse and no longer feel the need (as strong anyways) to tell the world that Alan Riegler molested me.

Anyways…I’m going to see what I can do and may just surprise myself in the process.

Sorry, I got nothin’ for ya today…I’m completely blank with the words my friends. I can’t think of anything juicy no matter how much I would have to fib about it. WAH WAH WAH….

I only have two more weeks left until I return to work.  Honestly I am not looking forward to it.  Frankly I don’t want to go back to work.  I have enjoyed living a very low stress life.  I’ve also enjoyed all the wonderful time I have spent with my two boys!  I’m sure the next two weeks will fly by too fast. : (

Just so I’m still Calling Him Out.

Alan Doran Riegler was my daddy and he sexual molested me.

Just felt like sharing that with you all again.

I received yet again, depressing news, the second police report I filed was sent to the state’s district attorney.  I received a letter today that they can not prosecute Alan, the statues of limitations have run out.  I’m just sick to my stomach that this bastard can get away with something like this and I am sitting here left with out closure, still.  I’m sick to my stomach because I know he has and will do this again to someone else.  He is a sick sick man and needs help and to be stopped.  Anyone know any politicians that have a way with government?  We need to get these statues of limitations removed for things like this.  What about all the kids that say their Catholic priests molested them, how come they can prosecute, but I can’t???  Any whoo…I’m depressed by all this nonsense law crap.  Again, it does not help the victim when the victim didn’t know any better when the crap happened.  Oh well…what do I do now?

As a survivor of sexual abuse masturbation is not an easy topic to think about much less discuss. When you escape the abuse and begin to heal and become the survivor you learn all about the things your abuser did were wrong. For me, Alan not only masturbated in front of me but he also talked about it. In the end knowing that the act of his masturbation in front of me was wrong everything he ever told me about it was wrong too. Yes, he told me that it was something normal, to me now it is not. He told me that it IS ok for women to masturbate, to me now it IS NOT ok. You see I have to rethink and relearn the things that ARE OK and that ARE NORMAL. Right now neither are ok or normal, when I know one TRULY is sick and wrong while the other in essence is ok.

Last night just as I was getting comfortable in bed and thinking to myself someway to get closure to this abuse from Alan. I thought maybe I could write him a letter. In my head I was thinking of what I would write to him and somehow also hoping my stepmother would read it before him. My words to him were quit angry and nothing but direct when out of the blue I remembered something else that happened. Oh my word where did this memory come from! I had not remembered this at all and now it is flooded in my brain with the rest of them. Of course I will call the detective and let him know, not knowing if this will change anything or weather it is outside the statues of limitations, but it is worth being documented with the law. So now I am left wondering what else. What else will I remember. I even had thoughts I’d never had before and even wonder if he had raped me. You see when I was little I was so scared to go into his bedroom. I would want to go to a friends house to play, but while he was napping I would sit in my room scared to go in and ask. I would be almost in tears for I wanted out of the house and to be safe with friends; but my fear of that room was more powerful then my desire to go play and be free. So now I wait for more memories to come, as I am sure they are there.

I have a meeting with another detective today from when I filed the first police report. I struggled with asking my mom to come with me for support. After discussing and getting my husbands opinion I called my mom. Yes, it was very hard and seemingly awkward for me to ask my mom to support me in something she never really supported me with in the past. I truly feel this will be an eye opening experience for her. Not only to hear the events that transpired over the course of close to two years, but also hearing from the law the seriousness of Alan’s crimes. You see in the past with my mom it seemed that she had the thought process of if I don’t talk about it and don’t address it and then I don’t have to deal with the hard stuff. See no evil, hear no evil, FEEL no evil. She never felt the evil. I had to live with that alone. So we will see what today holds for my mom. I fully anticipate her in complete tears as we exit the police station. Maybe this could be a long awaited bonding experience that I have needed for YEARS!