A mommy, wife and friend…a survior of child sexual abuse

Just when I thought my life was down the path I am happy with and can feel at peace with, she’s back!  She would be The Grandmother!  Yeah, the one I posted about HERE.  With previous posts there too.  She called my parents.  Not the first time btw.  She wants their help.  Why?  Because I cut the ties, haven’t called her in well over a year.  She’s wants my parents to help her be able to see her grandchildren.  Thanks for giving me MORE stress!  My dad talked to me about it.  He thinks it is important since she is getting old to see the kids.  But that would be for her benefit.  My boys don’t know her.  I do feel bad, I am not a total bitch.  Somehow I feel its all or nothing.  All the relationship with her or nothing.  I was ok with the nothing.  She was the last one to tie me to Alan.  Once I stopped talking to her there seemed to be some peace in me to concentrate on my family and more important my marriage.  I didn’t have the past abuse to effect me.  With her in my life, again there’s the tie to Alan.  The tie to the abuse.  The wondering is she abused him.  Who abused him?  Her husband passed many years ago, and I don’t think of him.  They are a part of my life I was moving past.  How can I do that when she has these requests?  My parents say they will support me in what decision I choose and somewhere I just don’t believe that is entirely true.  For if I say no, I KNOW they, or at least my dad, will put in his two cents.  I have to make the best decision for my boys and myself.  I can not think of anyone else.  I can’t think of anyone else or their feelings.  I know that may sound cold, but it is the best thing for me and my boys.  I did talk to my hubby and ultimately his says it is my decision and he will stand behind me no matter what I decide.  I believe him.  I even think he may “stick” up for me with the parents.  I do not want her to see the boys.  They do not know her and I think the situation would be more uncomfortable for them.  Gosh, I just feel like a real jerk.  Can you see this is tearing me apart!  I do not like hurting her, but I just can’t.  I know she will go back to Alan and just talk.  He is the last person I want to ever know anything about my boys.  He does not deserve to have a place in their life or to have any information on them.  I’ve got a big decision, no, I know what I want to do.  I just have to tell my parents.  It wasn’t right of her to put them in the middle of this either.  Now they have to go to her and tell her I don’t feel it is right for her to see them.  Perhaps I could write a letter to her.  My parents do not need to be in the middle.  It is not fair for them.  AARRGGHH!  I don’t drink but I need a real stiff one right now!