A mommy, wife and friend…a survior of child sexual abuse

The hubby posted something last week, it was not his post that bothered me, but what one person commented.  It’s not easy to keep an open mind sometimes when you read your hubbies thoughts, even harder when someone comments and it is NOT something you want to hear – well read in this case.  This prompted me to think and I told the hubby it was time to call Alan.  You know Alan, my father that molested me.  I didn’t know what to expect when he called him.  What I got was, well, I guess not surprising.  My first instinct and gut reaction is that he has and will never change.  He has not taken ownership in what he did.  He will not own up to it or even acknoledge anything ever happened.  I’m not surprised, how could I ever have thought he would say yes I was wrong and I molested my daughter.  Gees, what was I thinking.  What I did not expect was his lies.  He flat out lied about some stuff to my hubby.  Do I want a relationship with my dad?  Yes, the man that was my daddy.  Hell no to the man that molested me.  Yet I feel the man that was my daddy is dead and gone.  The hubby was very open and never once blammed Alan for anything, the hubby more so acted like he really didn’t know what happened.  I think Alan lied to make an excuse for what happened.  He lied to blame me and not take responsibility for what he did.  He said my mom called him out of the blue and told him I was out of control and he needed to get me and move me in with him and that I did not want to move in with him because he had such stricts rules and I was used to getting away with things at my moms.  So not true.  This man manipulated me for years in to believing that things were so bad at my moms house.  He always  told me I was so unhappy and that my step-dad and I never got along.  I was basically brainwashed.  It was never my thoughts to say these things, always him.  And then I decided to go live with him, which this hurt my mom, but as Alan said, I was over 11 years old and by law it was my decision.  So my mom let me go…but BAM, the first day after school was out he was there to pick me and all my stuff up.  Little eager there buck-o!  It wasn’t until after he molested me, the once straight A’s & B’s turned D’s and F’s while living with him did I go back home and then I became an out of control teenager.  Yet, what teenager made it easy on their parents?  Anyhoo…so much for the closure that I needed.  I guess my closure is that I can not have a relationship with him ever.  I know he is still sick and it would not be healthy for me to have any contact with him.  I am ok with that.  I have a stepfather that has stepped up to the plate and he is there for me as much as I need him to be.  As for the comment from the hubby’s post, it still hurts and what is worse is the commentee is a friend, I thought a close friend, but now I’m not so sure anymore.  But thanks do have to go out because it prompted me to have the hubby to call Alan to attempt to move forward in this crap.  I’m working through it and I will get there one day.