Update on my cousin…and something new to me.
I thought I would update you on my cousin. If you have not read my blog about it, go here.
It’s been a few months now since my cousin lost her son. She is struggling with different emotions, as one could expect. Some days are ok for her and then others are not so good. Just the other day she was telling me that a sond her daughter was listening to brouht her to tears because it reminded her of her son. We were talking on the phone and she mentioned this to me and found the song again and at that moment started to cry. I feel so bad, I wish we lived closer so that I could just hug her! I can not imagine lossing my little boy or my son I’m carring.
This kinda brings something that I’ve been experiencing lately to mind. I think this really only started since hearing the news of her son and I can’t remember any situations prior. I’ve begun to have anxiety attacks. I’ve had a few, but one really bad one. The only trigger so far has been when I think of something tragiclly happening to my son. One morning on the way to work, I had a serious enough attack that I was crying and needed to call my hubby. Unfortunately I could not get a hold of him, so my mom was the next person I called and she was there. I’ve never hyperventilated, but I think I was close to it as I was not breathing normal and should have pulled off the road. I think I have only had a total of 3 or 4, but I don’t know if or how to stop them. My mind will begin to think about something happening to my son and I can’t stop it. The ony way to keep from thinking that way is to keep really really busy. Oh, it only happens when he is NOT with me. I don’t have these thoughts when he is with me. Yeah, and unfortunately if he is with my hubby or even my parents I have these thoughts. I know they have his safety as much as concern as I do, but still…it doesn’t help when these thoughts come to mind. So, needless to say, my son has not spent the night with his grandparents, I know I should let them spend the time with him, but it is really hard. Has anyone else had these type of feelings or issues like me? Please share them…
So, with my cousin, I try to talk to her every week. We are still close and she seems to be ok that I am having another boy. However, if it did bother or upset her I think she would be keeping it to herself. I don’t want to bring the subject up as I know it is really hard for her to talk about the loss of her son. I only let her start talking about it, keeping it on her terms and when she is able to. She made it through Mother’s Day with some issues, as one could expect. I know the next biggest day will be in October for his birthday. So again I can’t imagine what that day will bring, I will just be there for her if and when I am needed.
