A Look In
I wanted to share with you a little bit of what a survivor of sexual abuse deals with. This is not easy for me but bear with me as I believe I may jump around a bit.
When Alan would molest me things he would say to me were lies. He would say, “this is how daddy’s teach their daughters about sex” or “a guy I work with is teaching his daughter the same thing.” Being that he was my daddy I trusted him. I believed in what he said was the truth. Hince starts the twisted life of a survivor.
When I finally was out of the abusive situation and getting some counseling, I learned that what Alan did was wrong. But what about what he said, it all seemed to be so truthful. It was confusing. One thing Alan did tell me that has taken me many many years to learn and acknowledge what is the truth, he told me that masturbation was a normal and good thing to do. Holy crap! Abuse me, touch me, do all this crap to me and then tell me something that really is ok! For the longest time I did not feel, think or believe it was ok. I thought it was a very dirty thing that you don’t do, but mostly that WOMEN don’t do. Growing up and learning about myself masturbation was not something I was really into, yeah I did it on the occasion, but I felt really dirty and disgusted with myself for doing so. I now know it is normal and it is ok, but that still doesn’t mean that I feel comfortable doing it.
So comes the next thing. How does someone who was sexual molested get attention in a loving way from the men that cross their lives? Those men got what they wanted with sex despite what I wanted. You guessed it, when I was in a relationship with a man I felt to be loved I had to give up the “booty”. I felt that to feel and be loved by a man I had to have sex with him. What a sick way to have to go through life for years! Yeah, I am not proud, I’ve slept with more men that I would ever really want to admit. I had too many one night stands. Why? Not only was it a way to feel loved, I couldn’t tell Alan no so how the hell could I tell all these other men no! I even dated a guy for two years and when I said no he would tell me, “Get the F**K out you F*****G B!” So I would give him what he wanted. That went on until I was given the strength and found a friend that helped me leave him. I was on my own at the time several states away from all my family and friends. That was a life changing event, but I stilled harbored the crap from my abuse. To some degree I still do.
How do I fully move past all this? One step at a time, one day at a time…
