The man that abused me
Just so I’m still Calling Him Out.
Alan Doran Riegler was my daddy and he sexual molested me.
Just felt like sharing that with you all again.
Since the hubby didn’t tell you…
I thought I would share a brief moment in time that doesn’t happen very often. The other morning I woke up about an hour before I needed to start getting ready for work. I wasn’t tired and I could not go back to sleep. So I said to myself, what the hell, I might as well wake the hubby up and give him some morning sex. Wow was he ever happy and excited. Ok, there you go honey, sex during the week and not just on the weekend!
Now, take into consideration my history of sexual abuse, this was a good thing for me! Yipee!
A Look In
I wanted to share with you a little bit of what a survivor of sexual abuse deals with. This is not easy for me but bear with me as I believe I may jump around a bit.
When Alan would molest me things he would say to me were lies. He would say, “this is how daddy’s teach their daughters about sex” or “a guy I work with is teaching his daughter the same thing.” Being that he was my daddy I trusted him. I believed in what he said was the truth. Hince starts the twisted life of a survivor.
When I finally was out of the abusive situation and getting some counseling, I learned that what Alan did was wrong. But what about what he said, it all seemed to be so truthful. It was confusing. One thing Alan did tell me that has taken me many many years to learn and acknowledge what is the truth, he told me that masturbation was a normal and good thing to do. Holy crap! Abuse me, touch me, do all this crap to me and then tell me something that really is ok! For the longest time I did not feel, think or believe it was ok. I thought it was a very dirty thing that you don’t do, but mostly that WOMEN don’t do. Growing up and learning about myself masturbation was not something I was really into, yeah I did it on the occasion, but I felt really dirty and disgusted with myself for doing so. I now know it is normal and it is ok, but that still doesn’t mean that I feel comfortable doing it.
So comes the next thing. How does someone who was sexual molested get attention in a loving way from the men that cross their lives? Those men got what they wanted with sex despite what I wanted. You guessed it, when I was in a relationship with a man I felt to be loved I had to give up the “booty”. I felt that to feel and be loved by a man I had to have sex with him. What a sick way to have to go through life for years! Yeah, I am not proud, I’ve slept with more men that I would ever really want to admit. I had too many one night stands. Why? Not only was it a way to feel loved, I couldn’t tell Alan no so how the hell could I tell all these other men no! I even dated a guy for two years and when I said no he would tell me, “Get the F**K out you F*****G B!” So I would give him what he wanted. That went on until I was given the strength and found a friend that helped me leave him. I was on my own at the time several states away from all my family and friends. That was a life changing event, but I stilled harbored the crap from my abuse. To some degree I still do.
How do I fully move past all this? One step at a time, one day at a time…
I’m still here…
Yup, been some time since I have written. Not much time lately and I can’t write at work anymore since changing jobs in November. Rats! Was really convenient before.
We found out this week that baby is a BOY! I am super excited, I was hoping for another boy. Still on target for a mid-June delivery. No more morning sickness either, just smooth sailing lately. Yeah! Everything looks good with baby too.
Not much to write, although the hubby is frustrating me lately with his constant procrastination. How many times do you have to remind someone something, just do it damn-it!
Oh yeah, it’s been almost two weeks since my cousin lost her son in a horrible car accident. I’m pretty close to this cousin and the morning I got her call I had had a tummy ache. Now I believe it hurt because I sensed something was wrong with a loved one, just didn’t know who. He was only 14 years old, his half sister also lost her life at 4 years old. Tons of emotions have gone through my mind since hearing this news last Monday. How could God do this? I’m mad. Hurt I can’t be with my cousin as she lives over 1000 miles away from me. I broke down last Saturday evening while at an evening Church service, the sermon was on Tough Questions. Boy did I have a tough question!! I was able to pray with the pastor which helped a lot, then with in 5 minutes my cousin called me. We are connected somehow. She seems to be handling this ok, although I don’t see her everyday. She has 4 other children to take care of (all girls). Which brings me to my next dilemma. Her and I where both pregnant at the same time, her 4th my first. She wanting a boy, I didn’t care at the time. She had a girl, me a boy. We always joked that I got her boy; and when she heard I was pregnant again, she said I was getting her boy again, because her 5th (born this past Oct.) was yet another girl. Since her son has passed she asked me if I knew what I was having, at the time I didn’t. But now that I do, I feel really bad telling her, I’m having a boy. The joke again, I got her boy, again. Somehow now that seems really painful to me that she now longer has a son. I don’t know how to tell her and I certainly don’t know when. Ugh!
Oh well, I have to think and ponder on that one a while. Anyways, must be going for now. The tummy is telling me to feed it!
