No Point…venting session 1
Do you just ever get in one of those moods where shit in life is just too freakin stressful? Where you are in such a shitty mood that you really do not want to be bothered? Well, damn that is me today. I got crap going on with my case, the healing and what not. Then I got some bullshit happening with my step-daughter and her bitch of a mom. Yes, her mom is a bitch. Naive, immature, jealous and I could go on. The freakin shit she does just pisses me off to NO END and sometimes I can’t even talk to my husband about it without some big freakin argument being the result of my honest opinions. It’s like WTF, I have to freakin deal with this shit from that bitch and I get no backing from my husband. Just pisses me off. What ever happened to stand by your wife even when the shit hits the fan. I don’t feel that. He’s probably going to read this and some other argument will result from it, but right now I could careless. Seems like a pattern we have had for the past nine years. I really hate being walked over. I do something for the sake of a child and what is in the child’s best interest and I get taken advantage of, walked over, crap done behind my back that effects me, no freakin communication regarding crap in my name. You name it! So I sit and wait for the shit to hit the fan. I don’t take lightly to this shit and I fight back when I feel like I have been wronged!
Who are you to ask?
It is time for my step-dad to enter the room as an idiot. So my step-dad wanted to accompany my hubby in the car for the ride to drop off his daughter at home. Only ONE thing was on his mind. Yup that is right, to pick my hubby’s brain about ME. So his first question to him was: “When is she going to get over this?” WTF! Who the hell are you to even begin to question MY healing process. Thank you hubby for setting him straight. He got an ear full about how I am tired of MY mom AND STEP DAD and their “but” excuses. He was told that he did not know how long my healing process would take. He learned that this just didn’t come up in the last few months it has been going on FOR YEARS. Shows you how much of a clue he has. Also that is wasn’t MY idea to put distance to those I was anger with! Again I ask who the hell are you to question ANYTHING I do! Go sit right back down in your rational non engaging cave and don’t bother MY healing!
Early Morning Brake Check
Here is your early morning brake check: you’re driving along the highway with speeds of 70mph (or more) and you hit 20mph in 1.3 seconds. Yup the brakes work!!! And to that idiot driver that went from the far left lane to the far right exit lane. What the F**K! Did you want to cause an accident? Just get off at the next damn exit and back track. DON’T put everyones life in danger for your stupidity and lack of paying attention to your driving and surroundings. Don’t drive like an idiot!
Victim Rights Don’t Exist!
It only feels as if the law is in favor of the suspect and NEVER the victim. That’s right! My case is closed. They can not prosecute because the statues of limitations have expired. I ask you this. How the hell can an abused child know what is right to go to the police? How the hell can an abused child know to even go to the police when her own mom didn’t go? How the hell can an abused child know the FREAKING LAWS of statues to hurry the F**K up and go to the police? Yeah I’m angry! This freaking abuser and womanizer has gotten away with it. He will not be held accountable in the eyes of the law.
I found out another interesting fact about this bastard yesterday. Why was he discharged from the police department? Because he would pull women over and proposition them, and a few of them were my own aunts. You sicko! You freak! How the hell could you do this to women? We are not yours to control! We are not yours to do with at your will! I just can not believe this type of person is out there free! It disgusts me! He should have been gone a long time ago to rot in jail. Now I will put it in God’s hands for his will on you. That’s right Alan God will be your judge now. I know HE is on my side even if the law isn’t.
Now that this phase is over I am left without closure. I need closure to move on in my healing process and I do not know how I will do that. Thank you honey for your big fat hug last night! That you to all my friends and family for your love, support and encouragement, it truly helps.
Moms Redemption
I have a meeting with another detective today from when I filed the first police report. I struggled with asking my mom to come with me for support. After discussing and getting my husbands opinion I called my mom. Yes, it was very hard and seemingly awkward for me to ask my mom to support me in something she never really supported me with in the past. I truly feel this will be an eye opening experience for her. Not only to hear the events that transpired over the course of close to two years, but also hearing from the law the seriousness of Alan’s crimes. You see in the past with my mom it seemed that she had the thought process of if I don’t talk about it and don’t address it and then I don’t have to deal with the hard stuff. See no evil, hear no evil, FEEL no evil. She never felt the evil. I had to live with that alone. So we will see what today holds for my mom. I fully anticipate her in complete tears as we exit the police station. Maybe this could be a long awaited bonding experience that I have needed for YEARS!
Some Facts for you
Every Two and a Half Minutes
Submitted by darceyw on Sun, 2005-09-25 22:53.
Every two and a half minutes, somewhere in America, someone is sexually assaulted.
How’d we come up with that number?
Here’s the math. There are 525,600 minutes in a non-leap year (365 days x 24 hours x 60 minutes = 525,600). That makes 31,536,000 seconds per year (525,600 minutes x 60 seconds = 31,536,000).
According to the US Department of Justice’s National Crime Victimization Survey — the country’s largest and most reliable crime study — there were an average of 200,780 sexual assaults each year in 2004-2005 (the most recent data available).
So: 31,536,000 divided by 200,780 comes out to one sexual assault every 157 seconds, or about one every two and a half minutes.
Sexual assault vs. rape
One more thing we should point out: Notice that we said one “sexual assault,” not one “rape.” What’s the difference? Sexual assault is a broader category that the Justice Department uses to classify rape, attempted rape, and other violent felonies that fall short of rape (which it defines as “forced vaginal, anal or oral penetration”).
Of the estimated 200,780 annual violent sex crimes, 64,080 were completed rapes. So, if you want a figure that covers only rape and excludes attempted rape and sexual assault, divide 31,536,000 by 64,080. That comes out to one rape every 492 seconds or so, or about one rape every 8 minutes.
Information from www.RAINN.org
Strike One – Mom
I finally got the nerve to tell my mom that I filed charges against Alan. All I can say is that I am glad it is over with. I really didn’t know what to expect, all I know is I’m just a little let down. I got NO words of encouragement from my mom. NO I’m proud of you. NO that must have been hard, you are a strong women. NO I’m behind you all the way. NO I support you 100%. NOTHING! Zilch! NADA damn thing! What to do, what to do. OH, wait, she did throw out there the excuse why she didn’t think it was best to go to the police, and why she did what she did. YIKES! Didn’t work then, doesn’t work now. I told her once an abuser always an abuser; that I was not the only one he did something to (I know for fact); and told her that I know in my heart he is still sick and WILL do this again given the chance. Gees, I still don’t think she grasps it all. I think I will have to sit down with her and give her a play by play. Look mom, it was sexual abuse, incest, molestation! What more can I say for you to grasp it! Damn!
Ok, breathe! Nothing worth getting all worked up over. I’m sure she will be having some very deep conversation with me in the future. IT’S ABOUT TIME TOO!
My Love…I know you feel it too
My husband of 5 years told me yesterday that what I am going through – he is also going through. I was in a sort of “mood” this weekend that I could not put my finger on. I’m not the best at sharing these little details to my husband, am trying though. So Saturday night was just another night for me, and another let down for my husband. You see I did not want to be intimate with him. I’ve had my fair share of feeling like a piece of meat from other men that my husband feels the effects of it, that combined with the abuse. So I’m not alone in this process. I was able to express that something was effecting me this weekend and that I could not put it in to words for him to understand. But that was enough, he was ok with that and that it wasn’t him. I know this time for my healing is going to be hard for him, but no one said it was going to be easy. I just hope he can be patient with me and understand that in the end things will be better.
To put a daddy in jail
I’m an adult and I’ve known for quite some time the things Alan did to me were wrong. So wrong! They were criminal acts against his own child, his little girl. Daddy’s little girl. But that does not make it any easier to put your daddy in jail. There was a time where he was a daddy and he didn’t do anything. Then one day that all changed, why? I don’t know if I will every know why. I broke off all communication with Alan some 6+ years ago. I know he was still sick in the head and it was not healthy for me. He wanted to take pictures of me topless in camo gear with a rifle in front of me to hide my breasts. What hiding that would have been if he could still see. I think he wanted the pictures to keep for himself and have to look at any time he wanted to. Sick, just sick. What father would want to have topless pictures of his daughter!!
So at my meeting with the detective she had a recent picture from Alan’s current drivers license and asked me to verify it was him. Yup, it was, and in an instant the tears began to flow. I can’t look at him. It is not easy seeing your daddy as the molester you are putting in jail. But jail is where he belongs. You can NOT do these things to a girl and expect to get away with it. It is wrong, it is criminal behavior and it scares the victim for a long long time.
I also told myself a long time ago that Alan would never have any contact with any of my kids. And I said this before I even had my son! I knew he was still sick and I know he would do something to my kids too. A molester just doesn’t stop one day.
Alan you are NOT my daddy you are my molester and your day will come. You violated me! You hurt me! I trusted you! You were so wrong! You can’t do these things to your daughter, you baby girl! You will be where you belong shortly you and then there I hope you get the help you NEED!
