A mommy, wife and friend…a survior of child sexual abuse

The report has been filed. I did it! After 2 hours with the police, 3 pages of my statement, and many tears, I was able to file and press charges. I’m half way there. I do need to file another report. My abuse occurred at two different homes in two different jurisdictions. Yesterday was very draining; emotionally and physically. My mind, body and soul need to build up the strength again to file the second report. But the process is in the works. I had a close friend with me that has been through this entire process and now her father is serving 25 years. She was with me last night and was my strength to get through it all. My sincerest thanks and appreciation go to her. Many hugs! We both are one of many. That’s right, 1 in 4. These numbers are hard to take in.

So, how am I feeling today. I’m completely drained. I have had no energy all day. I went to my counselor and it was hard for me to even “do the work” to heal. I’ve also got homework, yeah that is right, homework. This healing process just isn’t a once a week or month thing. It is a constant struggle to overcome the habits, feelings, and tendencies to “close up” that the abuse has caused. I can see this healing process is going to take a very long time.

Until I filed the report last yesterday, I never told anyone in such details all the sexual abuse that happened. I was not easy by far. Sitting there telling two police officers, two strangers, one a man. As soon as I saw them walking up the walk to the door my stomach went in to knots. Butterflies in the stomach had nothing on this. I knew what I needed to do, so I just spoke; told them everything that I remembered happening. The worse the abuse I talked about the more my body began to shake and the more the tears began to flow. When I was done, I had sometime while they contacted their supervisor, got the paperwork together to make my written statement. During this time I just balled my eyes out and sat on the couch in somewhat a sitting fetal position. While my friend held me. One can only cry so long. I thought to myself I can not completely lose it. This was just the beginning, I had to make it official and write everything down and sign. I got through it! I don’t know how, but I did. My friend even gave a written statement and said she will testify if needed. Again I am thankful! So where does that leave me now? I wait to hear from the investigators. I know I will need to be patient, but that I am not good at. But with the strength of my friend and love ones I will make it through. So I will wait for tomorrow.

Wow! Today is the day. I will be filing the police report today. Yes, I am very nervous, but I am ready. I wrote down a lot of the molestation on paper last night so that I would not forget while talking to the police. My head is full of the memories that I have to make sure they don’t overwhelm me or I would not be able to function. My “support” group is ready and so am I. I want to do this! I will do this! So I will let you know how it went a little later on today or tomorrow. Thanks to everyone for their support, kind words and encouragement.

Ok, so you know how huge the internet is. You never know where a site will take you or who is on the other end of a blog with no “name”. So why do I think this bastard molester will find me? I have given no names, no country, region or province! Somewhere inside me I’m running scared, hiding under the bed and in the closet. It’s like he will find out and try to stop me. Of all the many blogs, of all the points of origin, he stumbles on to me. Doesn’t make any since now does it? Nope, nada, zilch! I will still file the report and press charges, but I’m afraid he will find out and run. Run like the wind because he knows his guilt. He’s run before, in a round about way. He moved several hundred miles away. He ran alright. Afraid that the little molested girl would tell. Well I am and I hope like hell you can’t hide. I hope they come after him to the fullest! Watch out you bastard because WE will find you. This woman is not hiding anymore. This woman will be quite no more. This woman will soon tell it to all!

Oh, yes I do. I fear the justice system. I fear the statue of limitations has run out. I fear the police will not believe me. I fear the DA will not prosecute. I fear what my mom will say when she finds out. I fear the rationalization my step-dad will try to get me to hear. I fear that I will find out the my grandmother or grandfather in fact did molest my molester too. I have to push forward. I have to have belief in the justice system. I have to have faith in my mom and step-dad. I have to have faith. I have to believe. I have to be strong; for myself, my family, for the next girl who reads my story and has the courage to come forward. I have to! I have so many people standing strong with me. I have to push forward. I will.

Triggers are the moments I have of being completely uncomfortable. Situations with the one I love and for some unknown reason I am not comfortable. Something happened in the past and at that moment it brings me back to feeling how it was when I was molested. At times I remember what was done to me, but other times I have no clue and can not figure it out. When these moments come over me, I’m transformed back in to that little girl that is very intimated and naive. Sometimes it is hard to tell my loved one why I feel uncomfortable. Then again, at times I have no clue why. These moments are usually those times when a man and women are at their most intimate. Sharing that closeness with the one I love. My molester robbed me of most of those moments. DAMMIT! Just this anger – that these precious moments were taken from me. How the hell can someone be such an arrogant, selfish, perverted, sicko! You know what hurts even more, that he doesn’t even care how much he has hurt me, scared me, and robbed me! He took so much from me that I have to work and struggle so hard to get some since of the ‘true’ me back. That’s ok because I am working through it and I know I AM a BETTER PERSON then he.

I have a friend that I’ve known for over 15 years now. She, unfortunately, was also a victim of my molester’s abuse. She was with me at our house one afternoon and he wanted to take pictures of her. Although he had “permission” from her mom to take pictures, the clothed type. He deviated from the plans just a bit.

It has come to light that my friend, how amazing that she is, new he was wrong. She recently shared with me that she felt the pain I was burdened with. She told me that although she knew it was wrong she felt that if it distracted him from me, it would give me a moment of relief. I’ve always felt bad that he had done anything to her and here all the while she was also helping me. What courage and strength my friend has. She is with me every step of the way. I love you my friend, you are my “sister” in every definition that it means although there is no blood or marriage that bonds us.

How could a father do such a thing to his daughter? My answer would be that he is a sick individual, something happened to him as a child, and he was just plain stupid. Only he knows the true answer to that. Yet he is too chicken to admit his wrong doings. I asked him once to sit down to discuss things that happened, I wanted answers too. He was not willing to do that. He knows he did wrong. But I have to live with that. It was actually a relief, I didn’t have to see him. Yeah, it is hard not to have a dad, but he wasn’t “all” there when he was in my life. He was harsh, cold, intimidating, a true hardass. Oh yeah, he also had been a cop for over 10 years! Amazing huh! An ex-cop molested his daughter! Go figure…Wait, it gets better. At the time of the abuse, he was married. Yup, I had a step-mother. The little naive women. She had NO CLUE. I think he touched me more then her. And when she found out, I think she denied it. I’ve never really spoken to her since, a casual hi here and there in passing at family events in the past. I’m sure she is a good person, but I don’t know how she could stay with someone that abused a child. Or maybe he never told her. I don’t know, that’s an answer to one of my burning questions. I think I may find out someday. Sooner then later now. Til next time, stand strong for yourself.