Then there is mom…
My mom does not know I filed the report and she will not know for some time. I don’t feel comfortable telling her. She did not protect me those years ago, so I don’t have much confidence in what she would do today. Don’t get me wrong I love my mom, but I’m mad at her too. Mad that she didn’t protect her daughter, mad that she let a criminal walk, mad that she aloud me to still see him, mad that she did NOTHING! Why? I asked once, she said she didn’t want to put me through all the stuff of the police statement, testimony, and blah blah blah. WHAT the F…! So you put me through hell for severals years, and then my “picture” of my mommy who could not protect me was that! Good going mom! You let that bastard rape my mind! He screwed me up more then you can imagine. My idea of what a good healthy sexual relationship with a man has been totally distorted my entire adult life. Shit! I’m lucky I didn’t put out for money to get the feeling of a man loving me or acceptance from a man. Somewhere inside me I had to weed through all his lies to figure out what was good. AND I’m not totally done yet. I finally have a man that doesn’t treat me like shit. I finally have a man that when I don’t want sex is understanding enough to leave the room without yelling at me. (Not saying he is happy about it – but hey…) I finally have a man that was willing to give me the strength to stand up to the fucking bastard that was supposed to be my daddy! Ok, I have had my little rant and I feel better. Ok, more to my mom. My counselor advised me with my feelings toward my mom to put a little distance between us so that I can work through my anger with her. I wanted to be the bigger person and let her know. Boy was I WRONG. There is so much tension now when she calls to ask to get time to spend with her grandchild. It’s like she is asking for visitation like I completely divorced myself from her. Gees…grow up a little mom, you know I am seeing a counselor and working stuff out. My counselor also advised me that she doesn’t see that I have a “true relationship with my mom”. What do I mean. Basically she has never really told me much about her childhood or what made her who she is today. She doesn’t share with me who she is. We just co-assist and make small talk. She seems to know more about me as I’ve opened up to her more. But yet, I still don’t feel comfortable talking to my mom about a lot of things. I can only work on my end…she will have to learn too.
Still waiting for tomorrow…
Oneofmany said,
16 July 2007 at 10:19 am
I feel you on the “mom” anger! My mother took my father’s side in the beginning and just now has decided to come back to me and say that I was right. But, it feels like she’s too late. I haven’t spoken on the phone with her in 2 months and I don’t even miss her! How awful is that? She or my father could pass away and I sometimes wonder if I’d cry. I actually feel like I don’t have a father or a mother and I’m an orphan. Thank goodness for God as my Heavenly Father! I’ve been adopted into His family and I’m loved. I don’t believe that you have to have a “true relationship” with your Mom to be whole. You will always feel a little “off” but you will fill that space with other friends, family, and God and you’ll make it through just fine. Love you Chica!