A mommy, wife and friend…a survior of child sexual abuse

I met with the detective today.  I was so nervous, but with the support of my mother-in-law I made it.  I did it!  The detective was very nice and understanding.  She was very helpful as well.  Most of all, she wants him arrested and in jail!  Those words mean so much more then you know.  It means she believes me, that is was not my fault, that I shouldn’t feel stupid or wrong for not coming forward before now, that I am worth it to have my molester brought to justice!  It feels really good to know I have the law on my side.  It was a good day for me.

Statue of limitations.  We still have to find out about this.  I only pray that this will fall in my favor.  I have to have faith.

I have my first meeting with the detectives investigating my case on Monday.  I’m a little nervous, today, and I have three days to go.  Gees…

I spoke to the detective and she sounds nice so that always helps.  Oh boy…here we go.

So, I haven’t heard anything from the investigators from when I filed the first police report. I’m actually really nervous to call them and ask them what is going on. So I keep forgetting the phone number and case number at home. Gees, I know I should have no excuses I’ve come so far now, but I am still nervous. Anyways…

Still waiting for tomorrow…

I’ve filed the second police report and that hard part is over. Filing the second report was not as hard. I got to stay at home while the police came to me, the police officer was very nice. He didn’t ask me to tell him anything, just to write everything down. That is much easier then telling a complete stranger what happened to you. And no offense to the police, I’m not so trusting of them, gees could it have been because my molester had been a police officer too? YES! Wow the evil web he spun with that one! It did make me feel good at the end of it all when the police officer told me he was proud of me and what I have done and that it was not an easy thing to do. Thank you! You gave me a little renewed faith! Now if I could only have that faith in the justice system. I’m still scared that after all this they will not prosecute my molester. As a victim I have rights, and one right that could be taken away is the right to come forward when I am able to and still get the justice that I deserve. Having not had the courage, strength, and being naive back then I hope it is not too late. I’m not as emotionally drained this time as I was before, I am able to function almost as normal as I can. I’m just a bit tired, but that can also be due to the normalcy of my everyday life.

Yes, my mind is playing tricks on me. On my way in to work today, I looked in the car behind me and could have sworn it was my molester. I only saw the shadow of a person, but it was him. No it wasn’t. My mind is only playing tricks on me. It seems that the only thing that can keep my mind off thinking about everything that has transpired over the past few days is work. And boy has worked helped a lot! Gees I have been so slammed at work that it has been 1 to 2 hours later then normal that I have finally been able to get something to eat. Thats bad for me, since I can get low blood sugar and become very dizzy and shaky if I don’t eat. Anyways…I’m just rambling. I know that there is no way he knows anything unless he can hack into the police database…hmmm…wouldn’t put it past him…he is something else. Oh well, short and sweet today. I know he is not behind me and he knows nothing…but, you never know.

Still waiting for tomorrow…

My mom does not know I filed the report and she will not know for some time. I don’t feel comfortable telling her. She did not protect me those years ago, so I don’t have much confidence in what she would do today. Don’t get me wrong I love my mom, but I’m mad at her too. Mad that she didn’t protect her daughter, mad that she let a criminal walk, mad that she aloud me to still see him, mad that she did NOTHING! Why? I asked once, she said she didn’t want to put me through all the stuff of the police statement, testimony, and blah blah blah. WHAT the F…! So you put me through hell for severals years, and then my “picture” of my mommy who could not protect me was that! Good going mom! You let that bastard rape my mind! He screwed me up more then you can imagine. My idea of what a good healthy sexual relationship with a man has been totally distorted my entire adult life. Shit! I’m lucky I didn’t put out for money to get the feeling of a man loving me or acceptance from a man. Somewhere inside me I had to weed through all his lies to figure out what was good. AND I’m not totally done yet. I finally have a man that doesn’t treat me like shit. I finally have a man that when I don’t want sex is understanding enough to leave the room without yelling at me. (Not saying he is happy about it – but hey…) I finally have a man that was willing to give me the strength to stand up to the fucking bastard that was supposed to be my daddy! Ok, I have had my little rant and I feel better. Ok, more to my mom. My counselor advised me with my feelings toward my mom to put a little distance between us so that I can work through my anger with her. I wanted to be the bigger person and let her know. Boy was I WRONG. There is so much tension now when she calls to ask to get time to spend with her grandchild. It’s like she is asking for visitation like I completely divorced myself from her. Gees…grow up a little mom, you know I am seeing a counselor and working stuff out. My counselor also advised me that she doesn’t see that I have a “true relationship with my mom”. What do I mean. Basically she has never really told me much about her childhood or what made her who she is today. She doesn’t share with me who she is. We just co-assist and make small talk. She seems to know more about me as I’ve opened up to her more. But yet, I still don’t feel comfortable talking to my mom about a lot of things. I can only work on my end…she will have to learn too.

Still waiting for tomorrow…