Animal Tracks
The following incident occurred on a bright and sunny morning. After I put my two boys in their car seats I got into the driver seat and buckled myself. The next thing I knew there was something quickly running up my leg, BTW…I’m wearing jeans.
My hand goes flying wildly knocking my glasses off my face onto the floor.
I blurted out the loudest noise…WAH!
Somehow my flip flops got flipped off.
All the while I was grabbing my leg to clamp off any space so this thing could not go ANY further UP.
Ok, deep breathe! What the hell just ran up my leg. Only thing I could think of was a damn roach.
YUCK! Not a roach. Gross, I was going to have to strip in the middle of this parking lot…at the Children’s Science Museum…to get this think out of my pants!
I hope out the car, start wiggling my leg and shaking my jeans to in hopes get this thing out of my pants!!
Whew….out plops a GECKO!!! He quickly scurry’s off.
Yay, he’s at a better home now, and hopefully alive.
You may laugh now…I did too!
Now I know what the little footprints on the inside of my windshield that I had been seeing for months were. My little preverted gecko friend.
What the hell is wrong
Exactly! I want to know what is wrong. Want to know why I have found myself not interested in sex in the least. Don’t want to do it, do want to give the hubby anything and surely don’t want to just please him. It’s causing something between us. Something not good. I have problems with his laziness and not picking up after himself. I have problems with the time he gives the computer attention. Yep more then family, more then me. I get 15 mins of his time when I lay down to go to bed. I think he only does it to test the waters to see if he is going to get booty. I’m also new to the stay at home mom thing. Some days I love it, some days I am not so sure about it. I don’t feel like I financaly contribute to the income, that bothers me. I’m trying to exercise more, heard that helps the libido. Not mine, not yet anyway. They only time I had desires to have sex with my hubby was when he was living 300 miles away and I only saw him on the weekends. Why is this? Now that we are living back together the desires took a fast slide downward. What happened? I don’t know. Was it me? Is it something he is doing? Am I still in love with him? These are all the things that are running through my mind. I’m stressed. I’m depressed. I’m tired most days. Taking care of two boys 24/7 is not easy. Yeah, I don’t get a break really until they are asleep. Help Help Help. Not sure what to do. All I know is what I don’t want to do.
The Choices we make
Just simple…I choose to move my two boys over 200 miles away to be with my hubby. He had a job away from the boys and myself, traveling home only on the weekends. There are some days I wonder if I made the right choice.
The problem…the hubby and an ex-girlfriend. What you say? I think the same thing when I think about this. He had been communicating with this girl for quite some time before by luck would have it I found out. She was with in an hour of where we were living. Didn’t feel really good finding that out. I found emails…emails with words of “still in love with you”, “I will always love you”, and even one choice little “lets have a fling, get together and see what comes of it”. WTF!!!! I have and will never cheat on my husband. I value my morals too much and myself to compromise myself and my beliefs.
I confronted him. Asked him to stop all communications and even to send this chic an email asking her to not contact him any more. I saw this email. He told me he would not contact her again. I took faith in him that he would not. This was 3 months ago. What did I find today? He fucking contacted her again! Sent her a message on Facebook saying he was thinking of her and for her to text him during the day, week days only. DAMN! There went that fucking promise. Then she sent him a message. Hell yes I read it. In it he had tried to call her. WTF! Ok now I am pissed! So I proceed to send a message to everyone on her friends list with her same last name in efforts to hopefully alert HER HUSBAND! Then I sent her a message. Now hopefully she will know how it feels to have a spouse upset. Oh yeah, I confronted the hubby again. Went the same as last time, but this time he deleted his Facebook account. I don’t go snooping, these things just happen to present themselves to me. That’s the glory of it. Every lie or deception he does comes back around and I find out. I thank God for this. So now my trust meter has gone back down to zero. What do I do now? Did I make the right choice with packing everything up, move away from my family, my friends, loss my job…for all this? I really do not know. I want to believe I made the right choice to be with my husband, but he sure doesn’t make it easy. What ever will I do if this happens again!
Oh yeah, this blog wouldn’t be Callinghimout (her in this case) if I didn’t tell you what her name was. Shawna Cassity Flournoy…you are not worth the time my husband wastes talking to you. I hope your husband finds out all this. I believe in Karma and yours is coming your way.
Lazy System Sucking Moms
I’ve seen about enough with women getting pregnant, not working, and living on the system meant to help temporarly! I’ve seen first hand how the child support in some states is completely f..cked! There are some men that make every attempt at doing the right thing and they get screwed! Can you tell this shit just really pisses me off! I know there are some deadbeat dads out there, but when one is not…don’t make their life seem like you keep ramming them in to the wall. To all you single moms out there that got pregnant and just don’t want to work and live off the system and child support…YOU SUCK! You are completely worthless and just think about the morals and work ethics you are teaching your kid(s). I know my words are harsh. I really don’t care right now. I’ve been personally effected by this bull shit and I’m here to tell you dads get royally screwed over and over again!!
Keeping my chin up
Today was a crappy day. I was supposed to go to the doctors, key word…supposed to. I was able to peacefully get the kids ready for the day and eat a nice breakfast with them before all hell broke loose. When I went out to the hummer I noticed the remote unlock didn’t work…hmmm…maybe its battery was dead. So I unlocked it with the key and proceeded to start the engine. NOPE Houston we have a problem. It did not start and I could not get the key out of the ignition. Yikes! Phone calls to the hubby, my mom, and OnStar…an hour later roadside (in my case driveway side) arrived. They jumped the battery and after another call to OnStar the Hummer was running as normal. 20 mins of idle running to charge the battery and then finally off to work. Yeah, I was totally unable to make my doctors appointment. I have been putting off the doctors for a long time and still did not make it. I made it to work just in time to put in oh 3 1/2 hours of work before I had to leave to get a new battery. Lucky the Hummer started, just barely. A few dollars later I have a new battery and it was even installed for me…well I had to pay for that too. So all is good, back home and ready for bed early! Whew…here’s hoping the rest of the week is better then today.
but I Love You
Recently while taking my four year old chatterbox to the doctors I was way too overwhelmed with his nonstopping talking. I asked him if he could just be quiet until we got to the doctors office, which would have been a little more then a few minutes of silence, but darn it I needed it. I’m an awful mom for wanting silence…Anyhoo…after I asked him to please be quite I get this response.
But Mommy I Love you.
Oh gosh what do you say to that. I’m a sucker for love…he continued to talk all the way to the doctors…
What is it?
What do you call a friendship that totally feels one sided? How would you feel if you thought you had a close friend and it seems that they are just too busy in their own little world to even acknowledge you? I’m sitting there folks. My “friend” just doesn’t seem to have the time to get together anymore. I’ve made attempts to no avail. To be honest it is depressing…funny…I should use that word to describe my feelings. Yet it is true, it also hurts. Put some drama and chaos and even throw in a bit of me needing my friend then they would be there. Forgive me for being so blunt, and I’m sure my friend would be hurt if they read this, but I can not hide my feelings. I truely feel this way and I know that it will continue to hurt so long as this friendship withers away. Feeling like this also makes me wonder what I did…was I not a good friend, am I not someone they want to be around…like what is wrong with me? Only time will tell if my friend will come back to me or if the chapter in the book of our friendship is closed. Just placing a bookmark in and waiting to read what’s next…
Kids in Cars
This past week while dropping the boys off at daycare I confronted a mother of two. I may not have begun it the correct way but I sure as hell finished it right. I had seen this mom on several occasions leave one sleeping kid in the car while it was running so she could take the other inside the daycare. Instantly it struck a nerve. The first time I saw it both kids were in the car asleep and alone. I told one of the daycare workers. So time has gone and she was still doing it. This is so wrong! I could not go another day seeing these kids left alone unattended in a running car. While she was inside the daycare you CAN NOT SEE THE CAR! There are pervs and freaks out there people. I told this mom she needed to stop. Get up 5 minutes earlier to get those kids dressed and awake so they can walk their 4 or 5 year old butts inside the daycare like every other parent does. I could tell she is a single mom and she was very young. But damn, I’m a single mom during the week too and have two young ones as well! No excuse leaving your kids alone in a car!! I told her to stop and that she was putting her kids in danger. Oh yeah, the little fact that it was ILLEGAL was placed in front of her as well! I ended the conversation by telling her I was sorry for starting her day out bad but I didn’t want to see something happen to her kids. If one of them was kidnapped while she was inside the daycare I don’t know how I could live with myself knowing I could have done something. I even offered a hug but was denied, doesn’t matter. I said what was needed to be said and I could tell in her eyes that I opened them up to the potential dangers.
Two days later I learn from the daycare manager that she has asked for their help. She is no longer going to leave the kids in the car unattended, a daycare worker will come out and help her. Thank goodness I got to her! I hated having to do it the way I did, but it needed to be done. I also learned that the information on laws in my state that I left with the daycare will be passed out to all the parents in a newsletter. Laws about kids in cars unattended, car seat safety and several other things. I feel I did the right thing and in the end I’m very thankful the mother of these two kids will be doing the right thing in the future.
When a dad lies
During the time when Alan was molesting me he would lie. He would always tell me ”this is how daddies teach their daughters about sex.” I believed him. I trusted him because as the child it is only natural to trust your parent. It messes with you when you realize your daddy was wrong, when you find out the things your daddy said to you were nothing but lies. I also remember one day he told me the things he was doing to me were also being done by his co-worker to his daughter. It was a lie to reinforce his lies. The sad thing is now looking back I really can’t remember tell between lies and truth with Alan.
Another sad thing I was scared shit-less of Alan. He had such a demeanor about him. He never laid a hand on me physically as in like a spanking. But I can remember days I was so afraid to ask him if I could go play with a friend. To this day I still do not understand why.
The effects now are not near as bad as they were. I have grown over time and I have so learned all his lies were wrong. I’ve learned it was not my fault and I can honestly say I believe none of his sexual abuse was my fault.
So how am I now? I’ve learned to trust, it’s hard but I have. I have a strong passion for people not to lie to me. That’s only because I’ve been lied to so much in my life that I now have the control to not allow that. If you lie to me now you are only hurting yourself in the end. The truth always finds its way out and comes to the surface. As with the truth that Alan, my dad sexual abused for quite some time. The only truth that I have not been able to remember is exactly when it began.
Where Have I Been?
In short…busy being a single mom. No not single in that way. The hubby works and lives out of town during the week. Having to take care of the boys alone is not easy, but I am managing. I have the best mom because she does help when I ask. Without hesitation she helps. So, I’m back, I think. I have a lot of stuff running through my head that I want to get out. For that I think I will be around here a little more.
